Shakespeare- dramatic irony

(no subject)

So for anyone who hasn't managed to catch any of my moaning for the last few days, I am sick. Really, really sick. So sick that I'm not even looking at the computer screen as I type this, because focusing my eyes hurts. I'd take a painkiller, but considering my throat feels as if a piece of roadkill has climbed down it and settled in my stomach, that's probably not doable right yet. At least the fever broke this morning.

I've been sleeping a ton, in between the bouts of vomiting, and i keep having these awful fever dreams. I think I was delirious for a good amount of time last night-- for instance, I was afraid to go downstairs because the mole people might get me. Mole people. I ask you. Then, I was afraid to get up and go to the bathroom because a Wendigo might eat me. Stupidly, I didn't remind myself that wendigos either don't exist or are part of the lore of Native American tribes thousands of miles away from me, I reminded myself that I live in the suburbs. Of course, mole people can also live in the suburbs, they just do it farther south than we do, so I had to be careful.

Things are looking up, though. I can look at something without getting nauseous fora little while and I can swallow water at this point. I may actually make a speedy recovery.

Unfortunately I'm pretty sure that I will be missing Tosca tonight. Mrrr.

...And the strangest things seem suddenly routine

Me: Do you do much car restyling, sir?
Customer: Well, when I do I usually just sick a couple kilograms in the seat and send it over the border...

Coworker: I hate this job. I get so little money.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Coworker: Sometimes I think I should quit and go into porn, but the last person I met who did that was kind of skeezy. He injected meth up my ass.
Me: What?
Coworker: He said it was lube, but I knew it was a syringe with the needle broken off.

Future roommate's boyfriend: How are the implants?
Me: The what?
FRB: The breast implants.
Me: ... I got my nipples pierced, not breast implants!
FRB: Well it's not like I go around staring at your breasts!
Shakespeare- dramatic irony

Going at brick walls and punching windows made of stone.

Went to a psychiatric appointment yesterday, which for some reason always makes me feel worse. I don't know what it is, whether I feel judged by my doctor or she just unnerves me or what, but I felt horrible after the appointment whereas before I'd been a bit paranoid but okay. I nearly broke down crying on the bus when I realized that one of the reasons that I've been less than thrilled lately is because my mom and my brother have been talking down to me constantly-- with the intention of taking care of me, I realize, but there's this insinuation of "You aren't capable of doing anything for yourself, so let me help". Part of the urgency was probably that I'm on my period, yup, but it's amazing to see that something was actually damaging my self-esteem.

I talked to Mom about it on the way home from work. "I don't know how to say this without sounding mean and I'm sorry, but it feels like you don't believe I can make my own decisions. Like when you open my absentee ballot or you monitor my bank account..." I believe I also uttered the sentence "I'm the baby, but I'm not a baby." She seemed receptive. I doubt it'll make a difference, as I've had similar conversations with her before (the one with my brother this weekend was just "Oh. I care about you, so I tell you what to do. No, I won't stop. You need my help"), but at least I said it.

Then I got out of the damn house and got away from the doubt for a while. Now it's 9:34 A.M., I'm alone in the house and cozy in bed, and I have a snake in my sleeve. Life is better.
DLM: Mason's death

Explosives duct-taped to my spine, and nothing's gonna change my mind.

Normally no teenager in her right mind would take getting up early over going to bed late, and anyone who did both at the same time might find themselves slowly falling apart. Not I, I say. While I'm hardly the poster child for early rising, I've been getting up early enough to actually get shit done in the mornings lately: not just the basics like showering and eating, but going to doctor's appointments, making credit card payments, job-searching, registering for school... My productivity, let me show you it.

There's not a whole lot to say, aside from that. I've signed up for some classes at the local community college (basic algebra, English composition even though I've routinely tested out of it, and Spanish to fulfill my language requirements for when I pursue my B.F.A. again), and I'm getting aggravated enough by my job that I'm trying to find another one. I've been a bit melancholy and paranoid-- not depressed exactly, I just keep having panic attacks of "Oh my God, my life after college is going to be no different from my life now, must find career path that is both rewarding and lucrative and pursue with all my strength!" It's still pretty much my dream to start (or work at) a theatre company, and while there's not much money in that and that's fucking hard work, I keep telling myself that that is a job that would make me happy and keep me fed and housed. If nothing else, I do have experience in set construction that I could capitalize on.

There's light at the end of the tunnel, I guess I'm saying to myself. It's rather aggravating when it's so far away, though.

Though it's not as if I don't have things to look forward to. Megan's House and all contained within (roommates Emily, Kristin, and Lola, as well as Marcus, Emily's boyfriend/fiance who all but lives there as well) have talked tentatively about having me move in before June as originally planned, and even if that doesn't work out it's nice to feel wanted there. I'm still a bit at odds over whether I'm going to get a dog soon or not-- I'd love one but relatives and circumstances are still conspiring against me a bit. Maybe I'd best shut up on the subject until some sort of conclusion is reached.

...My journal'd probably be closed for a while if that was the case.

Also, this is the most pathetic thing in the history of pathetic. I keep listening to Green Day songs, of all things, and going "This applies so deeply to my life right now." "2000 Light Years Away," "Redundant," "Wake Me Up When September Ends," "The Grouch," "Nice Guys Finish Last," "Basket Case"? This isn't teenage angst, this is worrying!
Me: Psychedelic default icon

Oh, you're tender, your name's a whisper.

Spending a weekend amongst abandoned army forts is more restful than you’d think. I read Asterix comics, slept more than I have in weeks, played vastly underrated card games, and helped small children use the toilets. I also got into tattoo-related arguments with my semi-cousin (she says that artists prefer to design entirely on their own; I said that customer-designed tattoos are perfectly acceptable and usually done without complaint, case in point my own), had a tragically interrupted dream about hanging out with My Chemical Romance, and renounced entirely my habit of smoking occasionally if or when someone gives me a cigarette. This made my mother so happy that she bought me a cunning hat and also said something about dogs. Yes, I say, yes.

Speaking of buying things, yesterday we went to Port Townsend, which is one of my favorite towns in this state. It’s tiny and artsy, rows and rows of art galleries and specialty stores on four or five blocks, and I bought a good amount of presents for people, as well as a few animals. Amazingly, I still have money left over! Me! Who’d’ve known?

Anyway, less pleasant subjects. Because we sell entirely to companies that are closed today and individuals who are not able to be reached today, my work is open on holidays and requires my presence. Poxes upon you, Owner of Company! Poxes, I say. Still, it’s money, I suppose, although I’d much rather veg out at home. At least I get to go hang out at my friend Megan’s house for a few hours tonight. We’ve got a very ambitious plan for the night: sit on the couch and watch a few episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus while making immature commentary. It’ll be awesome.

Related to absolutely nothing, I’ve been considering a piercing I said I’d never get and don’t usually even like: would it be overkill or flattering if I got a nostril piercing? Just a little stud on the side. I’m not entirely sure why I’m considering it, but I can’t get the idea out of my head. There’s also my “must get another tattoo soon!” urge, but that’s much easier to suppress-- after all, tattoos are so much easier to fuck up.

One more thing before I run out! gandsgirl, watch this! I think you know some of the songs at the end-- and I kind of want to make a playlist of all of them.
Music: Life's a bitch and so am I

(no subject)

In case I die and forget to mention this:

Will be away from computers until Sunday night. Have my phone, call pretty much anytime if you wish. I'll see you guys when I get back from the ill-timed but mandatory church retreat/family vacation.
DLM: my work is such bullshit


I was planning to write a longer entry, but due to circumstances beyond my control don't really have the time.

My alarm was set for 7:45 this morning. I had planned a bunch of things to do, including cleaning my room. My mom came in before she went to work, checked on my alarm, and decided that 7:45 was too early for me to be getting up, so she turned my alarm off.

Now I have four minutes to do everything I was planning before I go to work, thank you Mom.
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DLM: oh so happy

Waking up with pants off at four in the afternoon.

I think I'm a little late to vote in the Washington caucus today, but I'm feeling so sick I don't think it really matters. I did have an interesting conversation with her when I was semi-conscious at around 1:00 this afternoon: "I brought you some milk! Should I just leave it here?" "Mnngh." "Are you still feeling sick?" "Mmmm." "I'm going to the caucus soon. Do you want to come?" "Mmmm!" "Should I vote for Obama or Hillary?" "Obama."

Apart from that, I got guilted into staying at work yesterday when I almost threw up and I was apparently running a fever. I knew I needed a day off... I didn't think I'd be spending it sleeping, though. I've still got a headache and feel very weak, but no nausea. Still reeling a bit, I think it's a migraine. I'm going to try a bath and some painkillers. If that doesn't work, I'm going to sit up and cuddle my snake for a while, because at least she will appreciate how warm my skin is.

Ow, my head. I think it's bathtime.
DLM: my work is such bullshit

And as it tells its sorry tale in harrowing detail, its hollowness will haunt you.

Pro-con recap of my day.

-had to go to work.
-accident at my bus stop, so it was crawling with police.
+saw a guy who looked exactly like peridium's character Dio today. The only differences were smaller stature and a slightly shorter haircut. He nodded at me in the hall at work.
-saw a guy who looked exactly like rhombal's character Ciaran today. He met my eyes, buffed his nails against his shirt, and gave me a small smile. Scary.
+six sales!
-spread out over a period of seven hours.
+have begun to form a friendship with Matt, one of my coworkers, who reminds me somewhat of an atheistic, hedonistic version of my brother.
-everyone thinks we're dating, apparently.
-the bus was ten minutes late, and I stood in the rain for half an hour
-it snowed on the way home
-Mom revoked her permission to get a dog, stating that she'd never given it in the first place. Ugh. This is the third time she's done this in a week and a half. "Yes" or "no" should not be this difficult.
-I'm out of (spending) money, and payday next week feels like years away.
+once payday does come, I'll be able to get out of my little financial crisis and just have money, because for the first time since September I won't be in debt.
+I have tomato soup for dinner.

Bearable, but... I'm certainly glad that I get an entire weekend off this time around.