March 22nd, 2008

DLM: oh so happy

A penny can make all the difference when the cost of your love is a pound.

Audition went... okay, I guess. The two professors seemed to like the pieces I chose, and were even laughing when I did the Jane Martin piece, especially when I flipped them off at the end. They wanted me to tap into more rage when I did the Shepard piece, encouraging me to get really loud and physical. The interview portion went less than swimmingly-- it descended into awkwardness when they started asking me about my goals as an artist. I'm mostly sure they were looking for an answer like "I'm going to use my art to raise awareness about the genocide in Sudan!" but I've never been that kind of artist. I just create art, which probably means I'll never be a great artist or produce anything that lasts too long (not necessarily a bad thing, but a bit disheartening). I remember reading that art for art's sake is either propaganda or pornography, and-- I've never found that to be the case, but it seems to be what most people believe. Art has to be for a cause, it can't exist on its own terms.

All my personal experience has always gone against that. For some reason, it didn't seem as if it'd fly to tell these professors, "I really don't have any big dreams. I just want to learn this craft and other ones as well as I can and learn more about the world while I do it; I'll let the ambition come on its own, later".

They told me, rather dismissively, to have a nice day as I walked out.

Anyway, it's that sour note that's been setting my evening off (that, and the fact that I had a horrible case of loneliness and nervous energy afterwards and there was nowhere to go and no close-by friends availiable). So I've mostly just been drinking, which is so pathetic my mom came upstairs and offered to "hug it better".

I'm supposed to be writing now, but I'm aware that I can't write well when I'm angry and depressed, so it'll have to wait until early tomorrow morning or late tonight. I'm not sure if it's a pass-out-early night or stay-up-until-two-tomorrow-afternoon night. Suppose it doesn't matter much either way; church tomorrow is the only thing I've really got to do for the rest of the week.