February 20th, 2008

Shakespeare- dramatic irony

Going at brick walls and punching windows made of stone.

Went to a psychiatric appointment yesterday, which for some reason always makes me feel worse. I don't know what it is, whether I feel judged by my doctor or she just unnerves me or what, but I felt horrible after the appointment whereas before I'd been a bit paranoid but okay. I nearly broke down crying on the bus when I realized that one of the reasons that I've been less than thrilled lately is because my mom and my brother have been talking down to me constantly-- with the intention of taking care of me, I realize, but there's this insinuation of "You aren't capable of doing anything for yourself, so let me help". Part of the urgency was probably that I'm on my period, yup, but it's amazing to see that something was actually damaging my self-esteem.

I talked to Mom about it on the way home from work. "I don't know how to say this without sounding mean and I'm sorry, but it feels like you don't believe I can make my own decisions. Like when you open my absentee ballot or you monitor my bank account..." I believe I also uttered the sentence "I'm the baby, but I'm not a baby." She seemed receptive. I doubt it'll make a difference, as I've had similar conversations with her before (the one with my brother this weekend was just "Oh. I care about you, so I tell you what to do. No, I won't stop. You need my help"), but at least I said it.

Then I got out of the damn house and got away from the doubt for a while. Now it's 9:34 A.M., I'm alone in the house and cozy in bed, and I have a snake in my sleeve. Life is better.